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Keywords:

• survival

Comment: pumpkingface | all icons by me.

Keywords:

• ☠ sneezing blood is a good thing right?

Comment: medically speaking.

Keywords:

• definitely just found that pen in the

Comment: microwave. what the fuck. | all coloured icons by doomherald, please don't take.

Keywords:

• there is something depressing about

Comment: eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "let's party!"

Keywords:

• i'm hoping you were seen by someone

Comment: holding a frozen turkey at 2:30 in the morning.

Keywords:

• that chick went from zero to shitshow

Comment: in only six shots.

Keywords:

• when i was little i used to think sharks

Comment: could swim out of drains and eat people.

Keywords:

• we get up to three toppings

Comment: dignity is not one of them.

Keywords:

• hey i didn't think i could be this

Comment: stupid either but you don't see ME getting all judgemental about it.

Keywords:

• and my fence

Comment: why is part of it on the roof?

Keywords:

• don't be upset because i bitch slapped

Comment: you with intelligence.

Keywords:

• god i hope the gutter i die in is nice.

Comment: you know, for a gutter.

Keywords:

• ☠ it was just a reflex.

Comment: BOOM i kicked her in the face.

Keywords:

• ☠ he sent me a dick pic.

Comment: i am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.

Keywords:

• ☠ still no second date.

Comment: guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.

Keywords:

• ☠ it's about making memories

Comment: worth repressing.

Keywords:

• ☠ of the three people getting wasted

Comment: at this dance competition, i'm two of them.

Keywords:

• i wish there was a tumbleweed emoji.

Comment: because that would describe my vagina.

Keywords:

• i'm not saying that you're stupid.

Comment: just that you have bad luck when thinking.

Keywords:

• she acts like you when you're on meds.

Keywords:

• i want to get drunk and watch

Comment: somebody else's tragedy.

Keywords:

• was last night real life?

Comment: like did you really light your hair on fire?

Keywords:

• we can't BOTH have terrible sex lives.

Comment: get fucked or throw him out.

Keywords:

• nothing too bad.

Comment: lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. again.

Keywords:

• all you kept saying was

Comment: "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

Keywords:

• she's the kind of girl

Comment: that would cock block endangered pandas.

Keywords:

• the night started going downhill

Comment: when i set my foot on fire.

Keywords:

• update: blind date is cute and fun.

Comment: scratch that, blind date just threw up.

Keywords:

• how dare you.

Comment: idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

Keywords:

• she asked me how i live with myself

Comment: i told her one night at a time.

Keywords:

• legal advice please.

Comment: can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?

Keywords:

• last night i apparently said "i need a

Comment: break." and then i just passed the fuck out for 3 hours.

Keywords:

• you stole her birthday cake

Comment: and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.

Keywords:

• that's what you get for not wearing

Comment: a bra and jumping on a trampoline

Keywords:

• yeah everything was going great

Comment: until the mugging.

Keywords:

• pic#17828577

Keywords:

• he managed to light the jello on fire...

Keywords:

• boy did i ever crash and burn

Comment: on the picked egg pick up line.

Keywords:

• she just shoved like three mcnuggets

Comment: in her mouth and started sobbing and i have no idea what's going on.

Keywords:

• if i hid at school to avoid the cops

Comment: is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?

Keywords:

• stumbled across a picture of an owl

Comment: staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.

Keywords:

• please put me in a hole with no windows

Comment: and never let me out.

Keywords:

• the van in front of me contains people

Comment: having SEX. i am in full view of a SEX VAN.

Keywords:

• annoyed at my horoscope for not warning

Comment: me of my perils.

Keywords:

• i will kick you in all of your body part

Comment: all at once.

Keywords:

• some male strippers are here.

Comment: i threw pancakes at them. it's ok.

Keywords:

• you grabbed your house keys

Comment: threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"

Keywords:

• apparently he always goes for

Comment: the wrong girl. so it should be easy for me to nail him.

Keywords:

• did i just hear you ask siri

Comment: about the meaning of life?

Keywords:

• nope it's him.

Comment: he's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.