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Keywords:

• what. the. fuck.

Comment: no, you will not spank me.

Keywords:

• WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

Keywords:

• make sure i look cute passed out

Comment: on the couch.

Keywords:

• decisions were made.

Comment: the quality of them will be judged tomorrow.

Keywords:

• should i mail that cop his nightstick

Comment: or just throw it away?

Keywords:

• i don't know if i'm nauseous

Comment: or just disgusted with myself.

Keywords:

• that sounds worse than the time

Comment: you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you.

Keywords:

• he's doing fine.

Comment: just headbutted the wall and threw up.

Keywords:

• a reply to my tweet is getting more

Comment: likes than mine. the disrespect is real.

Keywords:

• fuck you. leave my nipples out of this.

Comment: THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU.

Keywords:

• sometimes i think what it'd be like

Comment: to be a firework.

Keywords:

• thanks for singing to me

Comment: while i puked last night.

Keywords:

• the bathroom smells like ribs

Comment: what did you do?

Keywords:

• life is all about the fine print

Comment: all i wanted was a fucking pony.

Keywords:

• i'm still alive.

Comment: just can't talk. or move. no need to worry.

Keywords:

• this is why you aren't allowed

Comment: in pet stores.

Keywords:

• sorry. not doing life today.

Comment: love to. but can't.

Keywords:

• i don't wanna SLEEP with him.

Comment: i want to start bar fights with him. there's a difference.

Keywords:

• thanks for holding onto me

Comment: so i didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. you're the best boyfriend ever.

Keywords:

• apparently i made a chicken patty

Comment: angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me

Keywords:

• and then he said

Comment: "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok".

Keywords:

• oh my god my life.

Comment: so much cake and so little sex.

Keywords:

• i imagine you as a cat

Comment: holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it.

Keywords:

• hey dude. went to the hospital.

Comment: call me when you get up.

Keywords:

• she's not depressed.

Comment: she's just sober. it's the same thing.

Keywords:

• my desperation for dick was off put

Comment: by his anime figure collection.

Keywords:

• how do you tell someone you stalk them

Comment: in a non-creepy way?

Keywords:

• your skill with memes

Comment: is vaguely frightening.

Keywords:

• the guy i'm talking to

Comment: drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it.

Keywords:

• thanks for fucking me in last night.

Comment: TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT.

Keywords:

• i feel like my cat and i

Comment: are playing mind games. i need more friends.

Keywords:

• pretend you're in a taco.

Comment: that always helps me sleep.

Keywords:

• how do you politely bring up

Comment: someone's criminal record?

Keywords:

• she's holding my hand.

Comment: i'm going to kill myself.

Keywords:

• he cooked the food on a paper plate

Comment: in the oven.

Keywords:

• i hope you get stoned

Comment: and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters.

Keywords:

• getting arrested together

Comment: sounded so much more fun in theory.

Keywords:

• don't worry nothing happened

Comment: but we should have a fire extinguisher here.

Keywords:

• the pigeons can smell the fear.

Keywords:

• that was before i lit my hair on fire.

Keywords:

• i just need a fucking pair of pants.

Comment: is that too much to ask for?

Keywords:

• i was literally so lonely last night

Comment: that i stopped watching a video on pornhub and just read the comments.

Keywords:

• i didn't want to fight.

Comment: i just wanted to tell you to fuck off.

Keywords:

• now you know for the next time

Comment: you go in the basement to wear a helmet.

Keywords:

• haven't eaten all day

Comment: so i'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.

Keywords:

• on another note. why did i wake up

Comment: wrapped in bubble wrap. i can only assume it was for my own safety.

Keywords:

• just got to school

Comment: and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal i'm carrying.

Keywords:

• man. that hitchiker cursed me.

Keywords:

• "DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED

Comment: AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.

Keywords:

• she looks well worn.

Comment: presumably from a cavalcade of penis.