[ Asa sees Reze move out of the corner of her eye, but thinks nothing of it beyond bracing herself for another stupid question. "Do crabs think fish can fly?" "If you drop soap on the floor, is the floor clean, or is the soap dirty?" "Does a straw have one hole or two holes?" The kind of shit nobody on earth (or Epsilon-355) has ever asked before, and now it falls to Asa to come up with an answer. God, her life is so fucking hard.
Then Reze fucking meows. Meows! And worse, instead of just rolling her eyes or playing it off as the dumb prank it is, Asa visibly squirms and blushes as she presses the heel of her hand against the other girl's face. ]
Oh my god, stop. You're such a kid sometimes. [ A big step down from "I'll throw you out of the tent". Muttered: ] So not funny.
[ Reze's laugher is immediate and raucous, disturbing whatever nighttime quiet that has blanketed the camp, really loud despite the palm shoved against her face.
It's a better, more fascinating reaction than she could have even asked for. ]
You should've seen your face.. pfft- ! [ Even now her laughter struggles to slow. It's the kind of full body wheezing that leaves you breathless and shaking.
Reze bites down on Asa's hand, hard enough to sting but not anywhere near hard enough to break skin. She probably could have just pushed her away, but.. ]
Shut up! [ Now she's mad — the laughter, the biting, the everything. Reze being Reze. Without thinking, she swats her across the nose with two fingers; not hard, just an idle reprimand. ] Bad kitty.
[ ...
...
... ]
So. We're both going to just ignore that, okay? Okay. Glad we agree.
[ Oh no. Here comes the accusatory finger point, jabbed directly into Reze's chest. ]
Only you would ever think that. To be clear, the only thing I'm "into" is getting a proper education. Not that you'd know anything about that. And I'm not a prude just because I'm not a— a slut.
[ "Like you" is the unspoken addition, but at least it stays unspoken. It could also be about most of the people here (in Asa's mind), so it's not as if she's singling Reze out this time. ]
You think I'm secretly ready to spread my legs for any boy who smiles at me? Is that what you're accusing me of? I think you're projecting. That boy you were so defensive of... Jonas? It's him, isn't it? You wish you were in bed with him right now. I guess he has everything I don't. You know, except for looks, personality, and brains. But everything else, sure.
[ Reze pushes herself up and away when Asa’s makes contact— like the gesture is super powered, strong enough to force distance between them.
She struggles to keep up and follow the logic of Asa’s tirade. For now, that keeps her from being upset at the very intentional, and very personal jabs. ]
Wait, what? What does this have to do with him? And what the heck does that have to do with you?
[ She doesn't know why she's being so snappy. Usually she can tell where it started: x comment lead to y thought lead to z reaction. It's justified, even if only to herself. There's a frustration in not knowing, and it's absolutely not fair to put that on Reze, but what else is she supposed to do? Self reflect? Don't be ridiculous.
Asa rolls over with a huff. Worst of all, worse than any of the insults or annoyance, is the fact she can still feel her face burning with embarrassment... and something else. ]
[ The anger spikes from a slow, barely noticeable (during the initial shock, at least) simmer and spikes into a consistent, cold flame. Reze for all her manipulating and lying just can’t wrap her mind around Asa’s cruelty.
Maybe she’s just scared of something and this is how she protected herself. Either way it doesn’t do much to temper the anger.
Reze begins the process of gathering the few things she has: a bag, a blanket, her tablet.
Her voice is barely audible when she speaks and reveals nothing of her or anger. ]
Sometimes, when I’m by myself I wonder .. did no one want me? Or maybe my parents just kicked the bucket?
[ Asa already knows, she’s proven that she clearly remembers, one of them needs to say the quiet thing out loud. She knows why Reze had been defensive in the first place. ]
Hah- wanna’ know how messed up I am? I hope they died.
[ Reze wishes she’d never told her. It’d taken 18 years to find someone who’d showed her unconditional kindness. Why she’d deluded herself into thinking the first person she met here would offer it readily? Asa’s right, she doesn’t have a brain! ]
[ Asa doesn't say a thing in response. Only when she hears Reze on her way out does she speak, her voice quiet enough that the other girl could pretend she never heard it, and Asa could equally pretend the same. ]
I killed my mom.
[ She still isn't looking back at her. Her tone is as impossible to read as Reze's is — the only sign of her emotions are the way she curls up into herself, just slightly. ]
She got eaten by a devil because of me. I killed my cat, too. Because I trusted someone I shouldn't have.
[ The context isn't meant to deflect responsibility. It's clear she feels as guilty as if she'd wrapped her hands around their necks herself. Zero of her usual 'yes but' or 'no and'. ]
I've spent my whole life since... wishing I could take it back. I'd give anything for it. Maybe there's some super strong devil out there with the power to turn back time. If these Edicts are as powerful as they say, maybe they can do it. I don't know.
[ The confession doesn’t cancel out the pointed malice from earlier. but it’s a revelation, one that lessens the responsibility Reze assigns to Asa— a normal girl living with this sort of guilt was a scary, sad thing.
And it just feels better this way too; being sad on Asa’s behalf is preferable to feeling betrayed.
Friends fought, right? Especially friends this desperate to seem well adjusted.
Reze sets down her things and lays beside Asa again, turning so that she’s pressed against her back hugging her. ]
[ You don't know that. It's on her tongue ready to go, but Reze is hugging her and Asa lets the comfort wash over her instead of fighting it. There's a sniffle in her voice that she just barely keeps from breaking into a full sob by taking a deep breath and holding it for a few seconds, even if the overlong pause betrays her as much as the tears would. ]
Your parents suck. Just saying.
[ An objectively cruel thing to say. Maybe they died saving her like Asa's mother did, and Reze was just too young to remember. But she isn't thinking of what's fair or what isn't. All Asa knows is that they didn't do enough to make Reze feel wanted. For all Asa's problems growing up, she at least never had to doubt that her mother loved her, that she was wanted by someone. She should be more grateful for that. Should have been more grateful. Present tense. Past tense. Too late. ]
Do you think we would have been friends as kids? [ It's a pointless hypothetical: the kind of thing she hates. She asks anyway, because she wants the answer to be yes. Like it will somehow let her go back in time and save that unloved girl when she can't even save herself. ] Maybe in that world we're both happy. I hope so.
Why? Are you looking for someone? That's usually the reason people talk to me. Just once, I'd like to hear "actually, I wanted to talk to you, Asa. You're so interesting. Nobody else is as interesting as you."
I'm fine. Obviously. A dead person wouldn't be able to write messages.
[ Haha... it's funny because she is dead. Was dead? She isn't sure about the specifics. Frankly, she doesn't want to know. ]
It doesn't matter. I stop listening once I realize they don't have anything important to say. I eat my lunch alone at school specifically to avoid being bothered, not because I don't have any friends. People just assume that. It says more about them than it does me, honestly. Only boring people can't handle being alone with their thoughts. But society isn't ready for that conversation.
[But checking on her doesn't seem to completely exclude a conversation first, as evidenced by the fact that he goes on.]
do you really wanna eat alone? if that's what you want, fuck everyone else dunno if i'd call them "boring", but yeah i get pissed off if people bother me i ate alone too in the military
Obviously. I was--AM--studying to go to a good college. So I can have a better life once school finishes. I'll have the last laugh when they all have boring, soul-crushing jobs, and I'm actually contributing to society.
That's where peaking in high school gets you. It's all downhill from here for them. Secretly, they all know it. That's why they're so jealous of me.
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Reze sets her tablet down and turns onto her side, facing Asa. And then— ]
meow.
[ She raises her hand to her face and curls her fist, yknow, like a cat. ]
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Then Reze fucking meows. Meows! And worse, instead of just rolling her eyes or playing it off as the dumb prank it is, Asa visibly squirms and blushes as she presses the heel of her hand against the other girl's face. ]
Oh my god, stop. You're such a kid sometimes. [ A big step down from "I'll throw you out of the tent". Muttered: ] So not funny.
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It's a better, more fascinating reaction than she could have even asked for. ]
You should've seen your face.. pfft- ! [ Even now her laughter struggles to slow. It's the kind of full body wheezing that leaves you breathless and shaking.
Reze bites down on Asa's hand, hard enough to sting but not anywhere near hard enough to break skin. She probably could have just pushed her away, but.. ]
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[ ...
...
... ]
So. We're both going to just ignore that, okay? Okay. Glad we agree.
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If this were anyone else it'd just be casually playful.
But Asa probably came out of her mother's womb committed to never knowing joy. So it's something else. ]
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[ Reze props herself up with her hands so she can stare down at Asa without actually sitting up.
It seems she's gotten her second wind. It's like a small animal that's been overstimulated and now has the zoomies. ]
Hey, you're actually into some weird stuff, right? Color me surprised!
But maybe I shouldn't be. You're soo loud about being a prude- it's like you're proud of it.. the lady doth protest waay too much.
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Only you would ever think that. To be clear, the only thing I'm "into" is getting a proper education. Not that you'd know anything about that. And I'm not a prude just because I'm not a— a slut.
[ "Like you" is the unspoken addition, but at least it stays unspoken. It could also be about most of the people here (in Asa's mind), so it's not as if she's singling Reze out this time. ]
You think I'm secretly ready to spread my legs for any boy who smiles at me? Is that what you're accusing me of? I think you're projecting. That boy you were so defensive of... Jonas? It's him, isn't it? You wish you were in bed with him right now. I guess he has everything I don't. You know, except for looks, personality, and brains. But everything else, sure.
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She struggles to keep up and follow the logic of Asa’s tirade. For now, that keeps her from being upset at the very intentional, and very personal jabs. ]
Wait, what? What does this have to do with him? And what the heck does that have to do with you?
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[ She doesn't know why she's being so snappy. Usually she can tell where it started: x comment lead to y thought lead to z reaction. It's justified, even if only to herself. There's a frustration in not knowing, and it's absolutely not fair to put that on Reze, but what else is she supposed to do? Self reflect? Don't be ridiculous.
Asa rolls over with a huff. Worst of all, worse than any of the insults or annoyance, is the fact she can still feel her face burning with embarrassment... and something else. ]
I'm going to sleep. You should too.
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Maybe she’s just scared of something and this is how she protected herself. Either way it doesn’t do much to temper the anger.
Reze begins the process of gathering the few things she has: a bag, a blanket, her tablet.
Her voice is barely audible when she speaks and reveals nothing of her or anger. ]
Sometimes, when I’m by myself I wonder .. did no one want me? Or maybe my parents just kicked the bucket?
[ Asa already knows, she’s proven that she clearly remembers, one of them needs to say the quiet thing out loud. She knows why Reze had been defensive in the first place. ]
Hah- wanna’ know how messed up I am? I hope they died.
[ Reze wishes she’d never told her. It’d taken 18 years to find someone who’d showed her unconditional kindness. Why she’d deluded herself into thinking the first person she met here would offer it readily? Asa’s right, she doesn’t have a brain! ]
I’ll find somewhere else to sleep.
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I killed my mom.
[ She still isn't looking back at her. Her tone is as impossible to read as Reze's is — the only sign of her emotions are the way she curls up into herself, just slightly. ]
She got eaten by a devil because of me. I killed my cat, too. Because I trusted someone I shouldn't have.
[ The context isn't meant to deflect responsibility. It's clear she feels as guilty as if she'd wrapped her hands around their necks herself. Zero of her usual 'yes but' or 'no and'. ]
I've spent my whole life since... wishing I could take it back. I'd give anything for it. Maybe there's some super strong devil out there with the power to turn back time. If these Edicts are as powerful as they say, maybe they can do it. I don't know.
[ What she does know is: ]
If you're messed up, then so am I.
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And it just feels better this way too; being sad on Asa’s behalf is preferable to feeling betrayed.
Friends fought, right? Especially friends this desperate to seem well adjusted.
Reze sets down her things and lays beside Asa again, turning so that she’s pressed against her back hugging her. ]
You were just a kid. You didn’t do anything.
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Your parents suck. Just saying.
[ An objectively cruel thing to say. Maybe they died saving her like Asa's mother did, and Reze was just too young to remember. But she isn't thinking of what's fair or what isn't. All Asa knows is that they didn't do enough to make Reze feel wanted. For all Asa's problems growing up, she at least never had to doubt that her mother loved her, that she was wanted by someone. She should be more grateful for that. Should have been more grateful. Present tense. Past tense. Too late. ]
Do you think we would have been friends as kids? [ It's a pointless hypothetical: the kind of thing she hates. She asks anyway, because she wants the answer to be yes. Like it will somehow let her go back in time and save that unloved girl when she can't even save herself. ] Maybe in that world we're both happy. I hope so.
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@reliant
this asa?
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yeah, i'm looking for you
chill out
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What do you want?
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making sure you're alive still
who are people looking for when they come to you?
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I'm fine. Obviously.
A dead person wouldn't be able to write messages.
[ Haha... it's funny because she is dead. Was dead? She isn't sure about the specifics. Frankly, she doesn't want to know. ]
It doesn't matter. I stop listening once I realize they don't have anything important to say.
I eat my lunch alone at school specifically to avoid being bothered, not because I don't have any friends.
People just assume that. It says more about them than it does me, honestly. Only boring people can't handle being alone with their thoughts.
But society isn't ready for that conversation.
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[But checking on her doesn't seem to completely exclude a conversation first, as evidenced by the fact that he goes on.]
do you really wanna eat alone?
if that's what you want, fuck everyone else
dunno if i'd call them "boring", but yeah i get pissed off if people bother me
i ate alone too in the military
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[ bitch are you fr ]
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just people to punch in the face
or fuck
[and isn't that what it's all about]
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Has anyone ever told you your priorities are awful? Also, ew.
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That's where peaking in high school gets you. It's all downhill from here for them. Secretly, they all know it. That's why they're so jealous of me.
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