for starters/meme continuations/literally whatever, feel free to drop your own if you wanna thread sth. blanket warning for potential nsfw, violence, + cw: everything if yoru's involved.
[Denji straightens up, blinking at the tea as he takes it. then he blinks at Asa, eyes rolling away as he lifts the cup to hide his subtle smirk.
he knows that??? that's why he made her the tea in the first place? what a fucking goofball. he likes that about her. he listens about the cat, blinking mildly at some details. orphanage, pet friend... some more kind of loose parallels. Denji had always been feral, but then, he'd also had a dad at one point. so after that point. then it was just him and Pochita... no orphanage.]
Yeah...
When I was livin' with that guy Aki, my other friend Power had a cat. The Control devil killed Power, so she took it. Then when the Control devil was reborn as Nakuya—the lil girl I was takin' care of, I took care of all the dogs, her and Power's cat.
It took that cat a long time to come around... It never disliked me, we just didn't know how to click. But we were friends eventually.
I don't think I prefer cats or dogs, but I liked that it'd always sleep on me.
Wait, is that why you asked about the Control Devil? If she'd be at whatever stupid welcome party devils hold for Death? [ After what he said about Aki, she thought it was out of fear, but: ] She lived with you? You just, what — totally forgave her? For making you kill your friend? For killing your other one herself?
[ Aaaaaand she puts her foot in it again. Not out of contempt or disdain, but disbelief, and maybe a little anger. If a devil did that to her, if they'd made her kill Crambon, she'd never forgive them, reincarnation or not. Even Yoru immediately backed down from the idea of making her kill a cat, and suggested another plan. She remembers how frantic Denji had been about Nayuta after he'd been put back together, his stubborn refusal to give up on her as they dug through the charred remains of his home... a head coming down the sushi belt... that was the Control Devil? Someone on the same level as Famine and War?
Is that what Public Safety would have done to her, too, if they'd managed to take her in? ]
That's seriously messed up, Denji. [ You're messed up, is what she wants to say, but she manages to at least make it a little less targeted. So much for "nobody has the right to judge you for that"... but it's okay, because she's judging him for something completely different! ]
I didn't forgive her, [Denji corrects, looking over at her tiredly.]
I killed her.
[and ate her. for weeks. he looks at the surface of his tea, blinking. he still misses Makima, though. still thinks about her. that's what's messed up, and even he understands that. sooo he keeps that one to himself.]
...Devils are different. They don't remember humans, really. So if I met Power again, she wouldn't remember me, even though she'd probably remember the Control devil. Nayuta didn't do anything wrong. She was just a little kid.
Feels kinda nice t'just have all that shit off my chest. Sorry it's sudden...
[Denji shouldn't trust Asa because she's unstable... but he feels like he trusts her character, which is why he randomly just shared all that. Yoru probably already knows all this shit anyway, or enough of it.]
Well, I don't care if they're different. [ She says confidently. ] I'd still never forgive a devil.
[ No such thing as an innocent devil and all that. Maybe it makes her a horrible person, but she thinks it makes her reasonable. Why should someone — something — be forgiven just because it died, lost all its memories, and reincarnated as a completely new being?
... Okay, maybe she's being a little unreasonable. Still. ]
You don't have to apologize. I like learning more about you. [ Denji, specifically. She's heard plenty about Chainsaw Man from Yoru. ] ... You've had a really shitty life, huh. I think if I was in your shoes, I'd have given up a long time ago. [ . . . ] But I'm glad you're still here.
[Denji tries not to smile at her unwavering hatred, because he does unfortunately find it kind of cute. Denji can't really relate to having principle like that.
he blinks when she says she likes learning more about him, his heart fluttering as he turns to look at her again. he doesn't necessarily feel flattered or anything by her compliment to his tenacity (he is miserable, even if he hasn't given up—this new place is kind of shifting his paradigm a little bit, at least), but...everything else makes his face a little red.]
...Are you really? Do y'mean that?
[Denji drops his gaze, staring at his tea again, where his reflection stupidly ripples and blinks back at him while he rubs his face.]
Huh...
[people liking him is one thing but...being glad he's alive is... you know, outside of how useful his body is...]
[ LMAO okay. In this case, yes, but also shut up Asa. She looks down at her hands, flexing her fingers idly. Remembering. ]
I like you. You're fun to talk to, and... you're a good guy. [ She doesn't mean in a moral sense, though he's not awful by those standards either. He's always treated her well, even when she's treated him terribly. Just look at today. ] So yeah. Obviously. If you ever died, I'd go to hell or whatever and drag you back myself.
[ It's said ridiculously casually for the kind of promise it is, but she means this, too. Yoru can shut up and be useful for once. ]
[Denji rubs the back of his neck with a little laugh, rubbing the bottom of his nose.]
Don't go making death sound so romantic.
[he glances back at her through the corner of his eyes, and his hand, warm from holding the tea (that again?? he made her? why is she so silly?), extends to rest over Asa's.]
I like you too...
That's why I didn't wanna leave you there.
You're one of my only friends right now... and besides, you're cute, pretty, smart and funny... [even though she's annoying, mean, and crazy. but honestly, she's better than any other girls that've been involved with him. at least Asa is honest, sort of—she's certainly not as deceptive as others, as far as he can tell... and besides, it kind of just seems like she's shy...and that her reality changes often more than her being an overtly dishonest person.] You make me feel a bit more connected to humanity again. As in you: Asa.
[he thinks. he thinks he's getting used to identifying them.]
[ Asa wants to chew him out for using the word romantic... but she can't bring herself to after he follows up with something so heartfelt. His hand over hers is nice, even if it's dulled through her borrowed skin; like her brain is trying to fill in the gaps of what this should feel like, instead of her actually feeling his touch. But if her powers have taught her one thing, it's that perception can influence reality. If it feels good, why question it? Just enjoy the moment.
She can certainly enjoy him calling her cute. And pretty. And smart. And funny. Things she already knew, of course... but she deserves to hear them said out more often, even if she doesn't need to. She's not desperate. She definitely won't replay that in her mind late at night when she's alone and the self-doubt starts to creep in, because first of all she doesn't have self-doubt, obviously, and second of all she isn't an egotist. She can just appreciate a compliment like a normal person. Compliments. Plural. ]
Yeah. It's me. [ There's a few seconds where she hesitates; knowing what she wants to say, but unsure if she can actually say it. Funny how she can sincerely promise to drag someone back from her — from Yoru's, whatever — eldest sister's clutches, then stumble over something so basic. ] Denji... I want to kiss you again. But only if you want me to.
[ Actually want her to, not the presumptive "I know you do" from before. ]
[Denji blinks, appearing genuinely puzzled (and excited, okay, he’s trying to keep it together). of course he’d want her to?? he curls his hand over hears without thinking, tilting his head as he leans into her space a little, peering at her. he puts the tea on his coffee table, before and between them.]
Of course I want you to. You can kiss me all you like, whenever you want.
[he wonders if they have the opportunity to kiss properly if Denji will be able to sense the difference in how each of the two personalities kiss—it’d be a good way to keep things… uh. as sorted in its chaos as possible, anyway.]
[ She smiles. Not the forced, barely-there one of before, but something shy and genuine. ]
You too. [ ... ] You can kiss me too, I mean. Whenever.
[ He'd seemed so hesitant before — she can't tell if that's his natural disposition, or he was just taken by surprise. Looking at him and how he fights, she'd expect him to be more aggressive, but she's thinking of Chainsaw Man. Not Denji. It'd be like him basing his expectations for her off Yoru, and he's made it very clear that he doesn't. The least she can do is afford him the same separation, even if their situations aren't entirely similar.
She turns herself to face him more, making sure she isn't in danger of bumping over the tea, and. Just kind of stares for a few seconds, before laughing nervously. ]
Sorry. I'm not — I'm not laughing at you. [ She's laughing at how ridiculous this all is. She's supposed to be dead, and now she's worried about embarrassing herself by kissing her crush badly. (Because that's what he is, isn't he? Fuck.) ] Do you think you could, um, go first?
[for many reasons Denji doesn't want to remember, he's staunchly anti aggressor—he may flirt, but for any action, he always has to be invited.
his smile goes lopsided and comfortable when she laughs, because he gets it. Asa's not exactly the. uh. humored type—Yoru's more likely to actually laugh at Denji. Asa seems to type to laugh out of nerves, because... obviously, she's anxious as hell.
because of his behavior around consent, though...
Denji blinks.
is this going to be his first time kissing a girl himself, actually? people are always kissing him... but he's never dared impose.]
Yeah, definitely...
[he leans forward, thumb and forefinger curled under her chin to lift her head a little as he bends his neck to meet her; his lips only brush hers at first, and he feels his heart immediately start racing. but he manages to keep his composure (for now), tilting his head as presses his lips more firmly against Asa's. his other hand is occupied by maintaining his balance as he's twisted at the waist, leaning in.
as usual, it feels amazing. and it feels kind of—different, but he isn't sure how to place it.]
[ Asa wouldn't say it's amazing, personally (either she has higher standards than him, or just more stupid hangups getting in the way) (no prizes for guessing which), but it's definitely nice. She matches his pace, pressing forward as eagerly as he does; both her arms sliding over his shoulders to draw him in close and keep him there. Soft, she thinks. He's soft. He should be all edges like her, but he's not. She's glad he isn't. Hopes he never will be. ]
Ugh. There has to be a more comfortable position to make out in.
[ ... Well. One immediately comes to mind, but she's pretty sure Yoru ruined sitting in his lap forever. Speaking of: ]
You realize, don't you? [ She says, with the resignation of knowing she's about to ruin a good thing. The only good thing she has left. But it'd be selfish not to remind him, to pretend their last conversation never happened, and her selfishness is the reason all of this happened in the first place. What a monkey's paw of a dying wish that turned out to be. ] I haven't been able to hear Yoru for a while, but she's not gone. If you keep spending time with me, sooner or later, you'll have to deal with her again. [ Stupid. She could have just kissed him again instead of saying any of this. Instead she stares pitifully at his lips, wishing she had, and whispers: ] ... I'm sorry.
[ It's violating to watch her body do all the things she ever wanted to do, but it's someone else doing them. To hear it saying all the things she ever wanted to say, but it's someone else saying them. But even for Asa, the lifelong queen of living in denial, there are limits to what she can ignore. ]
potential for memshare "event" in the future of the PSL goes toooo:
[—at first, Denji's brain is triangulating the better positions, because he's needy and selfish and wants to capitalize on opportunity.
but how often has opportunity fell flat on his face—it's true he's had sexual attention from girls! all liars, all devils who had a stake on his heart—but not his heart—Denji's. he remembers their date, which kind of sucked, but it brings to mind per Makima's lecturing as she made him touch her ear and then her full breast that it was more than just carnal, surface level desire. it's confusing, but in this moment, he thinks he gets it—he loves how brazen and sexual Yoru is, but the way it's familiar makes him feel both empty and afraid.
if there's a chance Asa has similar desires from her human heart, it puts that whole operation on pause. trouble is, Denji is stupid. he has no training on emotional intelligence, until kind of recently, where his desires afford a mirror. it's the first time he's been with a woman who's boundaries aren't conditional, like a carrot on a stick. it's not that Denji has more power, but it's more that... maybe they're level.
he's never had that experience. an experience that makes him want to slow down, remembering her nerviness during their strange aquarium date; where he did indeed retain that starfish were edible based on her boring ramblings, and was able to dig that up to feed her. but Asa doesn't remember that. god fucking damn it. in this moment, that feels so, so frustrating.
and that belies...something. something he's too stupid to understand, but it ignites his spirit. gently, in their kissing, he pushes her in a more languid, comfortable position that happens to position her against the arm of the couch. it's just instinct; not a confident answer to her discomfort. he leans back, breathing heavily, eyes soft from earlier tears.]
...Don't be sorry.
[his breath is labored, embarrassingly; he's so fit, it can only be due to one thing. it's not just Asa. the same body, the same face, different actions; Pavlov's bell will ring regardless. he swallows, and brushes his thumb across her cheek. he observes her dark eyes, realizing they aren't bright and wicked like Power's, or Makima's, or Yoru's.]
I'll...do my best. Now that I know, I...
[Denji's head drops, shame washing over him for reasons he can't understand. he's gotten close to "scoring" many times, but he's never been close to having a girlfriend before Asa. even as bad as their first date was.]
I can't promise I'm smart enough to tell the difference, but...
[he wants his dick to be touched. he wants to get off. he wants to have so much sex he forgets his pain, his loneliness, and everything else. but Yoru provides only the raw part of all that—funnily, Yoru's own sister may have given ammunition against Yoru's manipulation where Denji's true learning lies.]
I wanna be a good boy.
But I'm tired of being good to devils alone.
You know?
But like... I'm stupid, and super horny. And it makes me weak.
i want her to see makima's treatment of him sooooo bad
You're a boy. [ She says, as if that's an explanation. All boys are useless horndogs, so she can't single out Denji for that. Not when, by his own declaration, girls (and grub) are all he has left to live for. He's got her beat there: she doesn't have anything except her constantly backfiring attempts at saving him. ] But you can't trust her, Denji. She probably — she doesn't even like you. She's lying! Just like she did to me.
[ No, she isn't. Yoru is many things, most of them fucking awful, but in Asa's experience an outright liar isn't really one of them. If Yoru says "defeat the Death Devil, and I'll have sex with you," then that's exactly what she means. But if Denji believes that... what need would he have for Asa? Nevermind all those things he said about liking her for her humanity (ha), or doing his best, whatever that means. It isn't good enough. She wants the extra guarantee. To make him doubt Yoru, and only trust her.
Which of them is the devil again? ]
You need to learn to say no. [ Victim blaming much, but doesn't she get a say in how her body gets used? (Somewhere repressed in the back of her mind: "If you want to live, your body will be mine." But that doesn't count! That deal was under duress; she never would have made it if she'd known the consequences. Would she?) ]
If I offered to have sex with you right now, no strings attached... what would you say?
[ She reaches up to runs her hands over the broad planes of his chest, feeling his breath coming hot and heavy. There's a right answer and a wrong answer... of course, the only problem is that she isn't sure which of them she actually wants to hear. What does she value more: her future bodily autonomy if he can't control his horniness, or the satisfaction of him craving her as much as Yoru? Then there's the girlish part of her who just wants to experience a first with a boy that isn't filtered through Yoru; even knowing it would remove the main leverage keeping her from turning Denji into a weapon. Too bad that's the one she's least honest about, always quick to choose manipulation over exposing the most pathetic side of herself. ]
[…it’s true that men are like that, but Denji thinks he’s especially bad. only because other men simply aren’t as honest and open about their brazen desires, honestly, but Denji doesn’t really understand that.
as for Yoru…Denji doesn’t say anything, just jutting his jaw a bit. even if Asa sounded more confident with her delivery, Denji wouldn’t believe her. he knows Yoru likes him. and that’s not even being arrogant. that’s just knowing too many devils too closely. but just because Yoru sincerely likes him doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. and Denji’s aware of it, too. but, you know. poor self esteem and loneliness. he’ll take what he can get.]
—Huh?
[speaking of that… Denji’s breath catches in his throat with surprise as Asa’s hands stroke his chest. in tandem to that question, Denji’s face goes hot, dick immediately hard. he knows she’s testing him somehow, but he doesn’t quite get what she’s getting at.]
…I-I’d…
[say yes!!! obviously! he’d fuck her right now, if he could!! he scowls.]
Look, I can turn sex from a woman down. I’ve done it before!
And you’re not the type I want that kinda sex from anyway. But obviously, I really want you, so I’d say hell yeah! Of course I’d take you up on it!
[if it was no strings attached, that’d really suck. but Asa is super hot, and he likes her. he wouldn’t mind being used. the concept is kinda hot anyway… but he’s got a boner right now so he can’t trust that logic right now.]
[ Anyone could look at what he's said about her already, and understand what he means by it. Anyone who isn't hellbent on finding the negative in everything, that is.
And hey! Guess what Asa is? Especially when he talks about turning sex down before, and she immediately bristles. Why didn't he do that to Yoru? Obviously he just didn't care enough to try. (The fact he shoved her off in Aging's world, the fact she forced herself on him every time before and after that... those little things don't matter.) ]
I get it. [ She interjects before he can explain, shoving him back so she can sit up more. ] I'm not fun like her. I'm not a slut. It doesn't matter if a girl is stupid or bossy or conceited, boys only care about one thing. Nobody wants a smart girl with standards. It's fine, I'm used to it.
[ Airing out a few more of her hangups on Denji, no big deal. She stands up so she can tower over him while she bitches. ]
Did you ever think about what happens afterward? Of course not. Because you don't want a girlfriend, you just want sex. I can't believe I was even considering something so disgusting. Ugh.
I'll admit that you have appealing physical qualities, and parts of your personality aren't the worst. I even liked it when you kissed me. Not loved, but liked. It was okay. Your technique needs work, but that's what practice is for. I could have taught you, but you'd have to be my boyfriend, and we've already established why that isn't happening. Not that I was thinking about asking you to be. At least not more than anyone would in my situation. Less, actually.
Like I said. I'm not desperate. [ who tf asked................ ]
[has she been rejected by boys before?? Denji supposes she like… is kinda crazy, even without Yoru. and she’s gloomy. and weird. but. it’s kind of charming, too. but most dudes aren’t built like him.
he blinks stupidly and in mild terror as she towers over him, which regrettably does nothing to quell his arousal. if anything, it’s sort of stoked. a little. he swallows. he blinks again as she goes on…… and finds himself more and more confused. who the fuck said any of that???? also what’s wrong with sluts?! he’d totally be a slut if he could.
wait hold up SHE WAS CONSIDERING IT? she could TEACH HIM? how would that work? isn’t she inexperienced??]
Asa! [he interjects, just in case she isn’t finished. didn’t Yoshida say she was desperate for a boyfriend?? why did he say that…]
Dude, I want a girlfriend more than anything. Where did you get the idea I don’t? Like, yeah, I wanna have lots of sex, but that’s not all I want.
I’m just more likely to get laid then to get a girlfriend… so I’m rolling with that now.
[he doesn’t think he’d be a bad boyfriend, but someone has to get there first on order for him to demonstrate those merits. he’s given up on it for now, fully self objectifying, like he’s more of a dildo than a person. should he get even that lucky. he’s fine with it. if he someday can’t keep his bed warm with the same body, he’ll just have to keep it warm with many. he pauses.
Yoru did say Asa liked him…]
…I’d date you, if you wanted. You can hold out as long as you want, too—no matter how bad I want it.
Edited (FORGOT THE POINT OF MY TAG DSKGJSLG) 2025-02-15 16:36 (UTC)
[ She almost wants to kick him in the nuts when he interjects. Not because he's done anything to deserve it, but because she's frustrated, and she'd rather take it out on anyone else except herself. Unlike Yoru, though, she mostly limits herself to verbal tirades. (He's probably lucky she hasn't seen his boner.) ]
So you'd date me out of pity? Is that it? Because I can't get — because I don't want a boyfriend?
You think anyone here will like you if they see you dating me? [ He wants to be liked, doesn't he? Maybe appealing to that side of him will work. ] I'm the crazy girl who showed up and wrecked their city. I thought Chainsaw Man was a superhero. Someone who saves people.
[ Said with a scoff, mockingly. Again, completely unfair, but she's actively trying to chase him off at this point. For her own sake, but also his. ]
... You know, I used to think I could stop her if things got too bad. [ Yoru, obviously. She looks at her hands, at what they are, and it seems so ludicrous that she has to laugh at her past self's arrogance. So she does. A horrible, tired, whimper of a thing. ] But you can't either, can you? You won't. I'm going to be stuck like this forever.
The fuck “date you out of pity”? I wouldn’t date anyone outta pity!
[dating is a commitment! sex is easier. and even sex isn’t easy. even sex has so much fucking consequence around it he’d be scared of it if his drive wasn’t so destructively high.
to her point about Chainsaw Man, he scowls. he’s about to counter her—say it’s different here, because there’s all kinds of people with bigger powers and better morals… moreover, there’s not a lot of heroing to do. except against Yoru, he guesses. there’s probably other chaotic entities like her…
Denji doesn’t even know that it was Asa who caused all that damage, not Yoru. she seems to be the scapegoat of this lovely afternoon session they’re having of going around in circles. at least his dick’s finally down.
something moves in him when she says that, though—like something finally clicks, watching Asa stare at her hands, her broken laugh, the thin veil it represents. right. she’s suffering, but…it’s her body. when she says “you won’t,” Denji feels a wave of shame so overwhelming he becomes nearly nauseous.
it’s like it all finally clicks how violating it all must be. and Denji knows violation. he knows being a tool. he knows it in dark, buried corners of his mind he’s not even ready to glance at. darker and deeper than the door that hid his father’s corpse, but in the same world.]
…I’m sorry.
[he takes her hand in both of his, gazing at it as well. it may be a devil’s hand, but it’s Asa’s now, so he still strokes with his thumb affectionately. even those devils were done pretty dirty. makes sense the devil of war is a merciless occupier.]
I—I’ll try not to. I mean it. [he feels a deep, face-heating shame that he has to say he’ll try.] I…I didn’t know I was taking things from you. I didn’t know you guys were different people, exactly.
I don’t wanna take anything else from you…
[damn. and what of Yoru’s promise? the death devil isn’t even here, anyway. he doesn’t want to feel like he’s—
raping Asa.
fuck. he feels kind of sick. his hand is shaking as he stares at Asa’s in his hold, and his grip tightens softly. he feels responsible. why’s everyone always gotta get so fucked up just by being near him?
[ She should comfort him, shouldn't she? Like he did for her. Say it's not him that's been stealing things from her, it's Yoru. That he has nothing to apologize for. He didn't, couldn't have known, just like she couldn't tell him. Hell — had they come here a day earlier, she'd still be lying to him about the whole situation. Her moral high ground is far more of a molehill than a mountain.
But it takes two to tango, even if one half thinks they're dancing with someone else. When she looks at him, her chest feels tight, wondering what she'll lose next. What's even left at this point? Yoru's proven she has control over Asa's body and her mind. Her spirit? Already pretty much broken. Whatever traces of resistance she has left? Yeah, right. She's no more free to disobey the War Devil than Denji is. At least he never claimed that he could.
If only he hadn't saved her. He deserves to be punished for that, if nothing else. ]
Yeah. Sure. [ Her body sags. She pulls her hand free, turning her head so she doesn't have to watch his shake. ] Get off the couch. I'm going to sleep.
[ The single mercy she shows is that she bites back a comment about keeping his hands to himself. He's well and truly down. She doesn't need to keep kicking. ]
[Denji’s fingers feel—cold, aching, in a sudden swell of cortisol. it feels strange. makes him curl his hands into fists just a bit when she withdraws, and he stands up.
the tea he made goes cold on the table, but he forgets its there. his apartment is surprisingly tidy, from Aki’s domesticating, from caretaking for Nayuta—but he feels so weirdly off balance right now, the tidying isn’t even present to him. he swallows awkwardly, wishing he had that hollowed out kind of static noise emptiness that usually fills him in these moments.
it’s slower, here. so maybe it’s just catching up. but it’s likely because this is just new, and it’s hard, and he cares. who knows.
this may not be his world, but people don’t change when you drag and drop them to different realities. this conversation has cemented this thought he’s been having.
he moves to his room, hesitating at his doorframe—mostly because he wants to say something, but how many times can someone say sorry in such futility? especially realizing he doesn’t really deserve forgiveness anyway? he settles for instead:]
Let me know if you need anything.
[he thinks about leaving his apartment to get away from the tension, but… he brought Asa here to make sure she’s okay. and he’s just realized how badly he’s failed that, but he’s still committed to it; saying that out loud holds him accountable to stay put. so he sinks onto his bed, nails biting into the palm of his hand as he curls and tenses, carefully breathing deep and slow so he doesn’t cry anymore.
like shit that he deserves that much.
his finger eventually tangles in the loop of his pull-start, but he doesn’t pull it. instead, he just yearns, wishing he had Pochita’s guidance and company.]
[ After Denji leaves, Asa finishes the tea, not caring that it's cold. He made it for her, so it shouldn't go to waste. Then she settles in to try and sleep — keyword being try. She's exhausted, but her mind won't take the hint her body is giving. Maybe it knows what kind of nightmares are waiting in the dark. Maybe the guilt of how she treated him is finally catching up with her. Maybe this couch is kind of uncomfortable, actually, and she doesn't have a blanket or a pillow, and she's still in her dried, crusty mud-and-blood stained clothing. Hardly an ideal situation for getting a good night's sleep.
... Maybe she's just not used to being so utterly alone, without even Yoru's voice for company.
Almost unconsciously, she touches her fingers to her lips. A minute later her weight joins Denji's on his bed. She tries to be delicate about it, in case he's asleep, but she knows he isn't. How could he be? ]
Don't say anything. [ ... ] You can kick me out if you want. Otherwise, just pretend I'm not here.
[ She turns her back to him, pulling her knees up to her chest, and tucking herself into a shivering ball on the edge of his bed. Trying not to take up much space. To not intrude any further than she already has. ]
[when he feels her weight on the other side of his bed, his anxiety spikes in a nauseating spiral—immediately, he thinks it’s Yoru. because even if Asa likes him and is attracted to him—she’s not simple, like he is. she doesn’t just pilot about by her carnal instincts. she has sense, she knows better. Yoru is cardinal carnality only, and he’s not ready to fight her off. he tenses, anticipating as much.
but—her words, even the tone of her voice, is Asa. his body untenses, and he quietly lets go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. his bed isn’t tiny, but it’s definitely not big. he can sense her tremors, and it makes him turn to face her back.
he dares not touch her, though he wants to. he wants to comfort her, but… especially with the clarity of the situation, he doesn’t feel particularly, er. at liberty to touch… but he does brush his shins against the backs of her calves, more as an affirmation of presence.
obediently, he doesn’t say anything. he does get his hand out of his shirt, though, cuz that’s just gonna look weird without someone knowing the context and relationship he has with Pochita. which, really, is… nobody. honestly, he’s worried even turning around or touching legs like this is going over the line. but it feels like anything he does is wrong, so… whatever. he’s trying.]
[ Asa shifts a bit at his touch, though not out of any discomfort or disgust. It's effectively acquiescence; permission to stay. She should be satisfied with that.
So of course, not five minutes later, she's rolling over and burying her face into his chest. When was the last time she felt the comforting warmth of another body like this? Not since she was a little girl, crawling into her mother's bed after yet another nightmare. Not since Crambon... since Crambon. ]
Denji... don't leave. [ The bed, but not just the bed. Next to Yoru, Denji is the only constant presence in her life, and certainly the only honest one. To a fault, even. If he'd lied to her, she probably wouldn't have snapped at him half as badly, but that's not who he is. ] I'll figure out a way to save you. You can still be happy.
[ Back to being normal. Safe. Not having devils breathing down his neck day and night. Not just "can": he has to. It's what's best for him, even if he doesn't realize it. His life wasn't the greatest before, sure, but at least it was a life. He might not understand now, but he will. And she'll do it with or without his cooperation. ]
[he startles a bit when she burrows into him like that, but it makes him relax immediately; like Asa, the warmth is an immediate sedative balm. it unravels his anxiety about what is and isn’t okay in terms of touch, because something even more base id than sex takes over, which is… this, enabling how he loosely throws an arm comfortably around her waist. not because he’s entitled to it, but because they’re human beings.]
I won’t, [he mumbles, shifting to use his bicep as a pillow in lieu of the actual pillow on his bed. he still doesn’t sleep normally, so much of him still trapped in that moldy, weather-prone shack without the luxuries of sheets, blankets, much less of all a pillow. he’ll get there. he enjoys all those things time and again, but when he feels small, he rescinds from the luxury of basic amenities.]
Worry about yourself, [he retorts, shifting his body so they’re a bit closer; the scent of her hair fills his head, which is dizzying in a way more cozying than arousing. the arm at her waist strokes her upper back, moving coarse, silky tendrils of hair for ease of motion.]
Might be there’s nothin’ to be done about me… and besides, I haven’t totally given up hope. I’ll find my way. I’m used to this. Been eating shit since I was a baby, cuz’a the yakuza, my dad, whatever.
You…
[his eyes narrow a little as he fights emotions, and his hand stills, splaying its broad palm between her scapula in this pause. he doesn’t know how to articulate his next point, what he’s feeling: which is that Asa, to him, is innocent. he is not. he’s just constantly seeking redemption. to be a good child.]
This shit’s way newer to you. I’m more worried about you.
[Asa is the only human he’s had this kind of bond with, besides Aki—but he took Aki for granted. and it wasn’t like this exactly besides, because Aki was a dude, and Denji is straight (probably). Himeno was his only human foray into this shit, and she was from a world he didn’t understand.
Asa was human, and Asa was also just a kid. like him. he’s never experienced this. it’s precious, and he wants to protect it. it feels like his goals and paradigms have been shifting day to day since before this place, trying to hold onto what keeps him moving even if that changes cyclically—but he’s decided he wants to save Asa. she shouldn’t worry about saving him.]
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he knows that??? that's why he made her the tea in the first place? what a fucking goofball. he likes that about her. he listens about the cat, blinking mildly at some details. orphanage, pet friend... some more kind of loose parallels. Denji had always been feral, but then, he'd also had a dad at one point. so after that point. then it was just him and Pochita... no orphanage.]
Yeah...
When I was livin' with that guy Aki, my other friend Power had a cat. The Control devil killed Power, so she took it. Then when the Control devil was reborn as Nakuya—the lil girl I was takin' care of, I took care of all the dogs, her and Power's cat.
It took that cat a long time to come around... It never disliked me, we just didn't know how to click. But we were friends eventually.
I don't think I prefer cats or dogs, but I liked that it'd always sleep on me.
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[ Aaaaaand she puts her foot in it again. Not out of contempt or disdain, but disbelief, and maybe a little anger. If a devil did that to her, if they'd made her kill Crambon, she'd never forgive them, reincarnation or not. Even Yoru immediately backed down from the idea of making her kill a cat, and suggested another plan. She remembers how frantic Denji had been about Nayuta after he'd been put back together, his stubborn refusal to give up on her as they dug through the charred remains of his home... a head coming down the sushi belt... that was the Control Devil? Someone on the same level as Famine and War?
Is that what Public Safety would have done to her, too, if they'd managed to take her in? ]
That's seriously messed up, Denji. [ You're messed up, is what she wants to say, but she manages to at least make it a little less targeted. So much for "nobody has the right to judge you for that"... but it's okay, because she's judging him for something completely different! ]
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I killed her.
[and ate her. for weeks. he looks at the surface of his tea, blinking. he still misses Makima, though. still thinks about her. that's what's messed up, and even he understands that. sooo he keeps that one to himself.]
...Devils are different. They don't remember humans, really. So if I met Power again, she wouldn't remember me, even though she'd probably remember the Control devil. Nayuta didn't do anything wrong. She was just a little kid.
Feels kinda nice t'just have all that shit off my chest. Sorry it's sudden...
[Denji shouldn't trust Asa because she's unstable... but he feels like he trusts her character, which is why he randomly just shared all that. Yoru probably already knows all this shit anyway, or enough of it.]
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[ No such thing as an innocent devil and all that. Maybe it makes her a horrible person, but she thinks it makes her reasonable. Why should someone — something — be forgiven just because it died, lost all its memories, and reincarnated as a completely new being?
... Okay, maybe she's being a little unreasonable. Still. ]
You don't have to apologize. I like learning more about you. [ Denji, specifically. She's heard plenty about Chainsaw Man from Yoru. ] ... You've had a really shitty life, huh. I think if I was in your shoes, I'd have given up a long time ago. [ . . . ] But I'm glad you're still here.
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he blinks when she says she likes learning more about him, his heart fluttering as he turns to look at her again. he doesn't necessarily feel flattered or anything by her compliment to his tenacity (he is miserable, even if he hasn't given up—this new place is kind of shifting his paradigm a little bit, at least), but...everything else makes his face a little red.]
...Are you really? Do y'mean that?
[Denji drops his gaze, staring at his tea again, where his reflection stupidly ripples and blinks back at him while he rubs his face.]
Huh...
[people liking him is one thing but...being glad he's alive is... you know, outside of how useful his body is...]
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[ LMAO okay. In this case, yes, but also shut up Asa. She looks down at her hands, flexing her fingers idly. Remembering. ]
I like you. You're fun to talk to, and... you're a good guy. [ She doesn't mean in a moral sense, though he's not awful by those standards either. He's always treated her well, even when she's treated him terribly. Just look at today. ] So yeah. Obviously. If you ever died, I'd go to hell or whatever and drag you back myself.
[ It's said ridiculously casually for the kind of promise it is, but she means this, too. Yoru can shut up and be useful for once. ]
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[Denji rubs the back of his neck with a little laugh, rubbing the bottom of his nose.]
Don't go making death sound so romantic.
[he glances back at her through the corner of his eyes, and his hand, warm from holding the tea (that again?? he made her? why is she so silly?), extends to rest over Asa's.]
I like you too...
That's why I didn't wanna leave you there.
You're one of my only friends right now... and besides, you're cute, pretty, smart and funny... [even though she's annoying, mean, and crazy. but honestly, she's better than any other girls that've been involved with him. at least Asa is honest, sort of—she's certainly not as deceptive as others, as far as he can tell... and besides, it kind of just seems like she's shy...and that her reality changes often more than her being an overtly dishonest person.] You make me feel a bit more connected to humanity again. As in you: Asa.
[he thinks. he thinks he's getting used to identifying them.]
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She can certainly enjoy him calling her cute. And pretty. And smart. And funny. Things she already knew, of course... but she deserves to hear them said out more often, even if she doesn't need to. She's not desperate. She definitely won't replay that in her mind late at night when she's alone and the self-doubt starts to creep in, because first of all she doesn't have self-doubt, obviously, and second of all she isn't an egotist. She can just appreciate a compliment like a normal person. Compliments. Plural. ]
Yeah. It's me. [ There's a few seconds where she hesitates; knowing what she wants to say, but unsure if she can actually say it. Funny how she can sincerely promise to drag someone back from her — from Yoru's, whatever — eldest sister's clutches, then stumble over something so basic. ] Denji... I want to kiss you again. But only if you want me to.
[ Actually want her to, not the presumptive "I know you do" from before. ]
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[Denji blinks, appearing genuinely puzzled (and excited, okay, he’s trying to keep it together). of course he’d want her to?? he curls his hand over hears without thinking, tilting his head as he leans into her space a little, peering at her. he puts the tea on his coffee table, before and between them.]
Of course I want you to. You can kiss me all you like, whenever you want.
[he wonders if they have the opportunity to kiss properly if Denji will be able to sense the difference in how each of the two personalities kiss—it’d be a good way to keep things… uh. as sorted in its chaos as possible, anyway.]
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You too. [ ... ] You can kiss me too, I mean. Whenever.
[ He'd seemed so hesitant before — she can't tell if that's his natural disposition, or he was just taken by surprise. Looking at him and how he fights, she'd expect him to be more aggressive, but she's thinking of Chainsaw Man. Not Denji. It'd be like him basing his expectations for her off Yoru, and he's made it very clear that he doesn't. The least she can do is afford him the same separation, even if their situations aren't entirely similar.
She turns herself to face him more, making sure she isn't in danger of bumping over the tea, and. Just kind of stares for a few seconds, before laughing nervously. ]
Sorry. I'm not — I'm not laughing at you. [ She's laughing at how ridiculous this all is. She's supposed to be dead, and now she's worried about embarrassing herself by kissing her crush badly. (Because that's what he is, isn't he? Fuck.) ] Do you think you could, um, go first?
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his smile goes lopsided and comfortable when she laughs, because he gets it. Asa's not exactly the. uh. humored type—Yoru's more likely to actually laugh at Denji. Asa seems to type to laugh out of nerves, because... obviously, she's anxious as hell.
because of his behavior around consent, though...
Denji blinks.
is this going to be his first time kissing a girl himself, actually? people are always kissing him... but he's never dared impose.]
Yeah, definitely...
[he leans forward, thumb and forefinger curled under her chin to lift her head a little as he bends his neck to meet her; his lips only brush hers at first, and he feels his heart immediately start racing. but he manages to keep his composure (for now), tilting his head as presses his lips more firmly against Asa's. his other hand is occupied by maintaining his balance as he's twisted at the waist, leaning in.
as usual, it feels amazing. and it feels kind of—different, but he isn't sure how to place it.]
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Ugh. There has to be a more comfortable position to make out in.
[ ... Well. One immediately comes to mind, but she's pretty sure Yoru ruined sitting in his lap forever. Speaking of: ]
You realize, don't you? [ She says, with the resignation of knowing she's about to ruin a good thing. The only good thing she has left. But it'd be selfish not to remind him, to pretend their last conversation never happened, and her selfishness is the reason all of this happened in the first place. What a monkey's paw of a dying wish that turned out to be. ] I haven't been able to hear Yoru for a while, but she's not gone. If you keep spending time with me, sooner or later, you'll have to deal with her again. [ Stupid. She could have just kissed him again instead of saying any of this. Instead she stares pitifully at his lips, wishing she had, and whispers: ] ... I'm sorry.
[ It's violating to watch her body do all the things she ever wanted to do, but it's someone else doing them. To hear it saying all the things she ever wanted to say, but it's someone else saying them. But even for Asa, the lifelong queen of living in denial, there are limits to what she can ignore. ]
potential for memshare "event" in the future of the PSL goes toooo:
but how often has opportunity fell flat on his face—it's true he's had sexual attention from girls! all liars, all devils who had a stake on his heart—but not his heart—Denji's. he remembers their date, which kind of sucked, but it brings to mind per Makima's lecturing as she made him touch her ear and then her full breast that it was more than just carnal, surface level desire. it's confusing, but in this moment, he thinks he gets it—he loves how brazen and sexual Yoru is, but the way it's familiar makes him feel both empty and afraid.
if there's a chance Asa has similar desires from her human heart, it puts that whole operation on pause. trouble is, Denji is stupid. he has no training on emotional intelligence, until kind of recently, where his desires afford a mirror. it's the first time he's been with a woman who's boundaries aren't conditional, like a carrot on a stick. it's not that Denji has more power, but it's more that... maybe they're level.
he's never had that experience. an experience that makes him want to slow down, remembering her nerviness during their strange aquarium date; where he did indeed retain that starfish were edible based on her boring ramblings, and was able to dig that up to feed her. but Asa doesn't remember that. god fucking damn it. in this moment, that feels so, so frustrating.
and that belies...something. something he's too stupid to understand, but it ignites his spirit. gently, in their kissing, he pushes her in a more languid, comfortable position that happens to position her against the arm of the couch. it's just instinct; not a confident answer to her discomfort. he leans back, breathing heavily, eyes soft from earlier tears.]
...Don't be sorry.
[his breath is labored, embarrassingly; he's so fit, it can only be due to one thing. it's not just Asa. the same body, the same face, different actions; Pavlov's bell will ring regardless. he swallows, and brushes his thumb across her cheek. he observes her dark eyes, realizing they aren't bright and wicked like Power's, or Makima's, or Yoru's.]
I'll...do my best. Now that I know, I...
[Denji's head drops, shame washing over him for reasons he can't understand. he's gotten close to "scoring" many times, but he's never been close to having a girlfriend before Asa. even as bad as their first date was.]
I can't promise I'm smart enough to tell the difference, but...
[he wants his dick to be touched. he wants to get off. he wants to have so much sex he forgets his pain, his loneliness, and everything else. but Yoru provides only the raw part of all that—funnily, Yoru's own sister may have given ammunition against Yoru's manipulation where Denji's true learning lies.]
I wanna be a good boy.
But I'm tired of being good to devils alone.
You know?
But like... I'm stupid, and super horny. And it makes me weak.
i want her to see makima's treatment of him sooooo bad
[ No, she isn't. Yoru is many things, most of them fucking awful, but in Asa's experience an outright liar isn't really one of them. If Yoru says "defeat the Death Devil, and I'll have sex with you," then that's exactly what she means. But if Denji believes that... what need would he have for Asa? Nevermind all those things he said about liking her for her humanity (ha), or doing his best, whatever that means. It isn't good enough. She wants the extra guarantee. To make him doubt Yoru, and only trust her.
Which of them is the devil again? ]
You need to learn to say no. [ Victim blaming much, but doesn't she get a say in how her body gets used? (Somewhere repressed in the back of her mind: "If you want to live, your body will be mine." But that doesn't count! That deal was under duress; she never would have made it if she'd known the consequences. Would she?) ]
If I offered to have sex with you right now, no strings attached... what would you say?
[ She reaches up to runs her hands over the broad planes of his chest, feeling his breath coming hot and heavy. There's a right answer and a wrong answer... of course, the only problem is that she isn't sure which of them she actually wants to hear. What does she value more: her future bodily autonomy if he can't control his horniness, or the satisfaction of him craving her as much as Yoru? Then there's the girlish part of her who just wants to experience a first with a boy that isn't filtered through Yoru; even knowing it would remove the main leverage keeping her from turning Denji into a weapon. Too bad that's the one she's least honest about, always quick to choose manipulation over exposing the most pathetic side of herself. ]
YESSS…. let’s dog-ear that lol
as for Yoru…Denji doesn’t say anything, just jutting his jaw a bit. even if Asa sounded more confident with her delivery, Denji wouldn’t believe her. he knows Yoru likes him. and that’s not even being arrogant. that’s just knowing too many devils too closely. but just because Yoru sincerely likes him doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. and Denji’s aware of it, too. but, you know. poor self esteem and loneliness. he’ll take what he can get.]
—Huh?
[speaking of that… Denji’s breath catches in his throat with surprise as Asa’s hands stroke his chest. in tandem to that question, Denji’s face goes hot, dick immediately hard. he knows she’s testing him somehow, but he doesn’t quite get what she’s getting at.]
…I-I’d…
[say yes!!! obviously! he’d fuck her right now, if he could!! he scowls.]
Look, I can turn sex from a woman down. I’ve done it before!
And you’re not the type I want that kinda sex from anyway. But obviously, I really want you, so I’d say hell yeah! Of course I’d take you up on it!
[if it was no strings attached, that’d really suck. but Asa is super hot, and he likes her. he wouldn’t mind being used. the concept is kinda hot anyway… but he’s got a boner right now so he can’t trust that logic right now.]
🙏
[ Anyone could look at what he's said about her already, and understand what he means by it. Anyone who isn't hellbent on finding the negative in everything, that is.
And hey! Guess what Asa is? Especially when he talks about turning sex down before, and she immediately bristles. Why didn't he do that to Yoru? Obviously he just didn't care enough to try. (The fact he shoved her off in Aging's world, the fact she forced herself on him every time before and after that... those little things don't matter.) ]
I get it. [ She interjects before he can explain, shoving him back so she can sit up more. ] I'm not fun like her. I'm not a slut. It doesn't matter if a girl is stupid or bossy or conceited, boys only care about one thing. Nobody wants a smart girl with standards. It's fine, I'm used to it.
[ Airing out a few more of her hangups on Denji, no big deal. She stands up so she can tower over him while she bitches. ]
Did you ever think about what happens afterward? Of course not. Because you don't want a girlfriend, you just want sex. I can't believe I was even considering something so disgusting. Ugh.
I'll admit that you have appealing physical qualities, and parts of your personality aren't the worst. I even liked it when you kissed me. Not loved, but liked. It was okay. Your technique needs work, but that's what practice is for. I could have taught you, but you'd have to be my boyfriend, and we've already established why that isn't happening. Not that I was thinking about asking you to be. At least not more than anyone would in my situation. Less, actually.
Like I said. I'm not desperate. [ who tf asked................ ]
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[has she been rejected by boys before?? Denji supposes she like… is kinda crazy, even without Yoru. and she’s gloomy. and weird. but. it’s kind of charming, too. but most dudes aren’t built like him.
he blinks stupidly and in mild terror as she towers over him, which regrettably does nothing to quell his arousal. if anything, it’s sort of stoked. a little. he swallows. he blinks again as she goes on…… and finds himself more and more confused. who the fuck said any of that???? also what’s wrong with sluts?! he’d totally be a slut if he could.
wait hold up SHE WAS CONSIDERING IT? she could TEACH HIM? how would that work? isn’t she inexperienced??]
Asa! [he interjects, just in case she isn’t finished. didn’t Yoshida say she was desperate for a boyfriend?? why did he say that…]
Dude, I want a girlfriend more than anything. Where did you get the idea I don’t? Like, yeah, I wanna have lots of sex, but that’s not all I want.
I’m just more likely to get laid then to get a girlfriend… so I’m rolling with that now.
[he doesn’t think he’d be a bad boyfriend, but someone has to get there first on order for him to demonstrate those merits. he’s given up on it for now, fully self objectifying, like he’s more of a dildo than a person. should he get even that lucky. he’s fine with it. if he someday can’t keep his bed warm with the same body, he’ll just have to keep it warm with many. he pauses.
Yoru did say Asa liked him…]
…I’d date you, if you wanted. You can hold out as long as you want, too—no matter how bad I want it.
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So you'd date me out of pity? Is that it? Because I can't get — because I don't want a boyfriend?
You think anyone here will like you if they see you dating me? [ He wants to be liked, doesn't he? Maybe appealing to that side of him will work. ] I'm the crazy girl who showed up and wrecked their city. I thought Chainsaw Man was a superhero. Someone who saves people.
[ Said with a scoff, mockingly. Again, completely unfair, but she's actively trying to chase him off at this point. For her own sake, but also his. ]
... You know, I used to think I could stop her if things got too bad. [ Yoru, obviously. She looks at her hands, at what they are, and it seems so ludicrous that she has to laugh at her past self's arrogance. So she does. A horrible, tired, whimper of a thing. ] But you can't either, can you? You won't. I'm going to be stuck like this forever.
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[dating is a commitment! sex is easier. and even sex isn’t easy. even sex has so much fucking consequence around it he’d be scared of it if his drive wasn’t so destructively high.
to her point about Chainsaw Man, he scowls. he’s about to counter her—say it’s different here, because there’s all kinds of people with bigger powers and better morals… moreover, there’s not a lot of heroing to do. except against Yoru, he guesses. there’s probably other chaotic entities like her…
Denji doesn’t even know that it was Asa who caused all that damage, not Yoru. she seems to be the scapegoat of this lovely afternoon session they’re having of going around in circles. at least his dick’s finally down.
something moves in him when she says that, though—like something finally clicks, watching Asa stare at her hands, her broken laugh, the thin veil it represents. right. she’s suffering, but…it’s her body. when she says “you won’t,” Denji feels a wave of shame so overwhelming he becomes nearly nauseous.
it’s like it all finally clicks how violating it all must be. and Denji knows violation. he knows being a tool. he knows it in dark, buried corners of his mind he’s not even ready to glance at. darker and deeper than the door that hid his father’s corpse, but in the same world.]
…I’m sorry.
[he takes her hand in both of his, gazing at it as well. it may be a devil’s hand, but it’s Asa’s now, so he still strokes with his thumb affectionately. even those devils were done pretty dirty. makes sense the devil of war is a merciless occupier.]
I—I’ll try not to. I mean it. [he feels a deep, face-heating shame that he has to say he’ll try.] I…I didn’t know I was taking things from you. I didn’t know you guys were different people, exactly.
I don’t wanna take anything else from you…
[damn. and what of Yoru’s promise? the death devil isn’t even here, anyway. he doesn’t want to feel like he’s—
raping Asa.
fuck. he feels kind of sick. his hand is shaking as he stares at Asa’s in his hold, and his grip tightens softly. he feels responsible. why’s everyone always gotta get so fucked up just by being near him?
a hero… what a joke.]
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But it takes two to tango, even if one half thinks they're dancing with someone else. When she looks at him, her chest feels tight, wondering what she'll lose next. What's even left at this point? Yoru's proven she has control over Asa's body and her mind. Her spirit? Already pretty much broken. Whatever traces of resistance she has left? Yeah, right. She's no more free to disobey the War Devil than Denji is. At least he never claimed that he could.
If only he hadn't saved her. He deserves to be punished for that, if nothing else. ]
Yeah. Sure. [ Her body sags. She pulls her hand free, turning her head so she doesn't have to watch his shake. ] Get off the couch. I'm going to sleep.
[ The single mercy she shows is that she bites back a comment about keeping his hands to himself. He's well and truly down. She doesn't need to keep kicking. ]
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[Denji’s fingers feel—cold, aching, in a sudden swell of cortisol. it feels strange. makes him curl his hands into fists just a bit when she withdraws, and he stands up.
the tea he made goes cold on the table, but he forgets its there. his apartment is surprisingly tidy, from Aki’s domesticating, from caretaking for Nayuta—but he feels so weirdly off balance right now, the tidying isn’t even present to him. he swallows awkwardly, wishing he had that hollowed out kind of static noise emptiness that usually fills him in these moments.
it’s slower, here. so maybe it’s just catching up. but it’s likely because this is just new, and it’s hard, and he cares. who knows.
this may not be his world, but people don’t change when you drag and drop them to different realities. this conversation has cemented this thought he’s been having.
he moves to his room, hesitating at his doorframe—mostly because he wants to say something, but how many times can someone say sorry in such futility? especially realizing he doesn’t really deserve forgiveness anyway? he settles for instead:]
Let me know if you need anything.
[he thinks about leaving his apartment to get away from the tension, but… he brought Asa here to make sure she’s okay. and he’s just realized how badly he’s failed that, but he’s still committed to it; saying that out loud holds him accountable to stay put. so he sinks onto his bed, nails biting into the palm of his hand as he curls and tenses, carefully breathing deep and slow so he doesn’t cry anymore.
like shit that he deserves that much.
his finger eventually tangles in the loop of his pull-start, but he doesn’t pull it. instead, he just yearns, wishing he had Pochita’s guidance and company.]
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... Maybe she's just not used to being so utterly alone, without even Yoru's voice for company.
Almost unconsciously, she touches her fingers to her lips. A minute later her weight joins Denji's on his bed. She tries to be delicate about it, in case he's asleep, but she knows he isn't. How could he be? ]
Don't say anything. [ ... ] You can kick me out if you want. Otherwise, just pretend I'm not here.
[ She turns her back to him, pulling her knees up to her chest, and tucking herself into a shivering ball on the edge of his bed. Trying not to take up much space. To not intrude any further than she already has. ]
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but—her words, even the tone of her voice, is Asa. his body untenses, and he quietly lets go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. his bed isn’t tiny, but it’s definitely not big. he can sense her tremors, and it makes him turn to face her back.
he dares not touch her, though he wants to. he wants to comfort her, but… especially with the clarity of the situation, he doesn’t feel particularly, er. at liberty to touch… but he does brush his shins against the backs of her calves, more as an affirmation of presence.
obediently, he doesn’t say anything. he does get his hand out of his shirt, though, cuz that’s just gonna look weird without someone knowing the context and relationship he has with Pochita. which, really, is… nobody. honestly, he’s worried even turning around or touching legs like this is going over the line. but it feels like anything he does is wrong, so… whatever. he’s trying.]
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So of course, not five minutes later, she's rolling over and burying her face into his chest. When was the last time she felt the comforting warmth of another body like this? Not since she was a little girl, crawling into her mother's bed after yet another nightmare. Not since Crambon... since Crambon. ]
Denji... don't leave. [ The bed, but not just the bed. Next to Yoru, Denji is the only constant presence in her life, and certainly the only honest one. To a fault, even. If he'd lied to her, she probably wouldn't have snapped at him half as badly, but that's not who he is. ] I'll figure out a way to save you. You can still be happy.
[ Back to being normal. Safe. Not having devils breathing down his neck day and night. Not just "can": he has to. It's what's best for him, even if he doesn't realize it. His life wasn't the greatest before, sure, but at least it was a life. He might not understand now, but he will. And she'll do it with or without his cooperation. ]
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I won’t, [he mumbles, shifting to use his bicep as a pillow in lieu of the actual pillow on his bed. he still doesn’t sleep normally, so much of him still trapped in that moldy, weather-prone shack without the luxuries of sheets, blankets, much less of all a pillow. he’ll get there. he enjoys all those things time and again, but when he feels small, he rescinds from the luxury of basic amenities.]
Worry about yourself, [he retorts, shifting his body so they’re a bit closer; the scent of her hair fills his head, which is dizzying in a way more cozying than arousing. the arm at her waist strokes her upper back, moving coarse, silky tendrils of hair for ease of motion.]
Might be there’s nothin’ to be done about me… and besides, I haven’t totally given up hope. I’ll find my way. I’m used to this. Been eating shit since I was a baby, cuz’a the yakuza, my dad, whatever.
You…
[his eyes narrow a little as he fights emotions, and his hand stills, splaying its broad palm between her scapula in this pause. he doesn’t know how to articulate his next point, what he’s feeling: which is that Asa, to him, is innocent. he is not. he’s just constantly seeking redemption. to be a good child.]
This shit’s way newer to you. I’m more worried about you.
[Asa is the only human he’s had this kind of bond with, besides Aki—but he took Aki for granted. and it wasn’t like this exactly besides, because Aki was a dude, and Denji is straight (probably). Himeno was his only human foray into this shit, and she was from a world he didn’t understand.
Asa was human, and Asa was also just a kid. like him. he’s never experienced this. it’s precious, and he wants to protect it. it feels like his goals and paradigms have been shifting day to day since before this place, trying to hold onto what keeps him moving even if that changes cyclically—but he’s decided he wants to save Asa. she shouldn’t worry about saving him.]
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POLITELY URGING HER TO SHUT THE FUCK UP he just like me fr
LOL
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